The "WAR!" Update

Well it's about damn time, the next class update is a two-classer. Demoman and Soldier.

The interesting prospect is that a mysterious seventh weapon will only go to one class. And the way to decide? The amount of kills by one class, to the other.

So...

DEMOMAN or SOLDIER ?

Best get on TF2 and push it in your favor, or you can do what I'm doing by being indifferent to the whole thing and doing something else Tongue

Here's the link:http://www.teamfortress.com/war/part1/index.htm

One way or another, shit's gonna explode.

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DEMOMAN GETS:

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THE EYELANDER

The Eyelander holds to a principle all one-eyed Scotsmen with no depth perception have known for years: you don’t kill a man by mucking about with rifles, arrows, rocks, or other long-distance rubbish. You kill him by grabbing the biggest bloody sword you can find, running up nice and close to him, and chopping the dumb bastard’s head off.

Made with pattern-welded Damascus steel, this melee-slot weapon offers a guaranteed decapitation with every killing blow. Unfortunately, because it's haunted, it will suck away some of your soul: expect a decrease in your max health at the outset. However, once the blade feeds on neck, you’ll receive a boost in max health and speed. With each new protesting head you cleave (up to four), you’ll get healthier and faster.

The Eyelander will not deal critical hits unless used in conjunction with the Chargin’ Targe’s charge ability.

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THE CHARGIN' TARGE

The Chargin’ Targe solves a centuries-old Scottish riddle, which is that shields exist. True, the shield might block the occasional sword blow. However, they are essentially weapons to be used for hiding behind, and this is a concept the average Scotsman does not understand. “If I were to pick up this cowering-plate, I would have to put down my second sword,” a Scotsman thinks. “And surely that is madness.” The Chargin’ Targe solves this riddle by turning the useless shield into a deadly weapon you can run at people with and then bludgeon to death.

The targe replaces your tried-and-true sticky bomb launcher, but offers some unique capabilities in return, especially when used with the Eyelander. Just equipping the Chargin’ Targe provides automatic +50% fire damage resistance and +65% blast damage resistance. But the Chargin’ Targe’s main perk lies in its name. Alt-firing will hurtle you toward an enemy at a punishingly damaging high speed (far faster than a Scout can manage).

Charging also boosts the lethality of your melee weapon. Land a melee hit during a medium length charge and you'll be guaranteed a mini-crit. Land a hit during a long distance charge, and your victim will receive devastating full crit damage.

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THE SCOTTISH RESISTANCE

Get your thinking pants on, because the Scottish Resistance is the thinking Demoman's sticky bomb launcher. Trading offensive capability for increased defensive power, the SR can lay down twice as many sticky bombs, as well as destroy enemy sticky bombs.

But hold on, thinking fans—there’s more! The SR lets you detonate specific groups of bombs instead of having to set them off all at once. The SR detonates whichever group of bombs the player is looking at, letting you control which clusters blow, and when. You’ll be able to lay more traps and guard multiple areas at a time.

But all this awesome thinking man stuff comes at a price, just like real thinking. The SR is less useful for air-bursts and close range combat, thanks to longer priming rate (0.4 seconds) per bomb.
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SOLDIER GETS:

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THE DIRECT HIT:

Nobody can deny that, measured solely by their ability to blow people into chunky clouds of tomato soup, rockets are an incredible force for good in the world. But with their wide blast radius, they are not a particularly terrific weapon for showing off your sharpshooting skills.

Until now. A high precision version of the standard-issue rocket launcher, the Direct Hit has been engineered from the ground up for Soldiers who have mastered the art of shooting at their targets instead of vaguely near them. Those of you looking to deal splash damage, stop reading now: the Direct Hit has a 70% smaller blast radius than a traditional rocket launcher. But the rockets that come out of this thing move fast and hit hard: 80% faster and with 25% more destructive force. Best of all, for you real sharpshooters, the Direct Hit guarantees mini-crits on airborne targets.

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THE EQUALIZER

Back when your father and grandfather played Team Fortress 2, being bad at the game was so shameful, they would rage-quit (a lengthy, painful process that involved pulling burning coal from the computer’s furnace). Now, thanks to modern-day updates like these, there’s finally a good excuse. You didn’t misread that sentence: losing is now a strategy.

This melee-slot pickaxe becomes more deadly the more damage you take, letting you move faster and hit harder the more wounds you endure. Get close enough to death, and you will become Death himself.

Note: Pretty much any time we reveal a new weapon, somebody on the forums claims they thought of it first. But this time, assuming it’s Tom Francis and jibberish, they are absolutely correct. As a special thanks to them for doing our work for us, they'll each be getting a unique version of the Equalizer of their very own.

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THE BUFF BANNER

Admit it: Every so often, you suspect you’re carrying your team. But other than rage-quitting, what can you do about it? How about motivating those lazy sons of bitches to put on their war face and fight?

Enter the morale-boosting Buff Banner. When this secondary-slot item is equipped, any damage you deal boosts a rage meter that, when full, lets you pull out your bugle and sound a call to war! For the next 14 seconds, every teammate who rallies round your flag will deal mini-crits.

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ACHIEVEMENTS:

DEMOMAN

Shorn Connery
Decapitate a cloaked Spy.

Laddy Macdeth
Kill 50 enemies with direct hits from the Grenade Launcher.

Caber Toss
Bounce an enemy into the air and kill them before they land.

The Stickening
Kill 5 Heavies from full health with a single sticky bomb detonation.

Glasg0wned
Kill 25 Scouts and Pyros with the Grenade Launcher.

Scotch Tap
Glory in the slaughter of your enemies using the Eyelander.

The Targe Charge
Charge and kill someone with your shield bash.

Beat Me Up, Scotty
Use a full charge critical swing with the Eyelander to kill 5 enemy players.

Something Stickied This Way Comes
Kill 30 players with air burst sticky bombs.

The High Road
Sticky jump onto a cap point and capture it.

Bloody Merry
Provide an enemy player with a freeze cam of your smiling face.

Second Eye
Provide an enemy player with a freeze cam of you shaking your rump.

He Who Celt It
Use the Sticky Launcher to kill an enemy player via environmental damage.

Robbed Royal
Destroy 100 sticky bombs with the Scottish Resistance.

Highland Fling
Sticky jump a really long way...

Pipebagger
Kill at least three players with a single detonation of sticky bombs.

Spynal Tap
Kill 20 spies within 5 seconds of them sapping a friendly building.

Sticky Thump
Using the Scottish Resistance, kill 3 players in separate explosions without placing new sticky bombs.

Kilt in Action
Kill 500 enemy Soldiers.

Tam O'Shatter
Destroy 5 enemy Engineer buildings during a single ÜberCharge from a Medic.

Brainspotting
Decapitate 50 enemy players.

Left 4 Heads
Decapitate 4 players with only 10 seconds between each kill.

Well Plaid!
Kill 10 enemies while assisting or being assisted by another Demoman.

Double Mauled Scotch
Kill 2 people in a single sticky jump.

Loch Ness Bombster
Kill an enemy player with sticky bombs within 5 seconds of them teleporting.

Three Times a Laddy
Dominate three Engineers.

Blind Fire
Kill an Engineer building that you can't see with a direct hit from your Grenade Launcher.

The Scottish Play
Get a melee kill while sticky jumping.

The Argyle Sap
Blow up an Engineer, his sentry gun, and his dispenser with a single Sticky bomb detonation.

Slammy Slayvis Woundya
Decapitate an enemy Soldier who is brandishing the Equalizer.

There Can Be Only One
Decapitate your nemesis.

Tartan Spartan
Do 1 million points of total blast damage.

Scotch Guard
Kill 3 enemies capping or pushing a cart in a single Stickybomb detonation 3 separate times.

Bravehurt
Kill 200 players defending a capture point or cart.

Cry Some Moor!
Destroy 50 buildings.

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SOLDIER

Tri-Splatteral Damage
Kill 3 enemies with a single critical rocket.

Death from Above
Rocket jump and kill 2 enemies before you land.

Dominator
Get 3 dominations in a single life.

War Crime and Punishment
In a single life, kill 3 enemies who have damaged a Medic that is healing you.

Spray of Defeat
Use a grenade to gib a player.

Guns of the Navar0wned
Kill 5 Engineer sentries while you are standing outside of their range.

Mutually Assured Destruction
Kill an enemy sniper with a rocket after he kills you.

Wings of Glory
Kill an enemy soldier while both you and the target are airborne.

Engineer to Eternity
Kill an Engineer as he repairs his sentry gun while it's under enemy fire.

Trench Warfare
Kill your nemesis with a shovel.

Bomb Squaddie
Destroy 10 sticky bombs with the shotgun in a single life.

Where Eagles Dare
Get the highest possible rocket jump using jump and crouch.

Banner of Brothers
Buff 5 steam friends at once with the Buff Banner.

Screamin' Eagle
Kill 20 enemies from above.

Crockets Are Such B.S.
Shoot two non-boosted crit rockets in a row.

Geneva Contravention
Kill 5 defenseless players after a single match has ended.

Semper Fry
Kill 20 enemies while you are on fire.

The Longest Daze
Kill 5 stunned players.

Gore-a! Gore-a! Gore-a!
Provide the enemy with a freezecam of you taunting over 3 of their body parts.

War Crime Spybunal
Kill a Spy who just backstabbed a teammate.

Hamburger Hill
Defend a cap point 30 times.

Duty Bound
While rocket jumping kill an enemy with the Equalizer before you land.

The Boostie Boys
Buff 15 teammates with the Buff Banner in a single life.

Out, Damned Scot!
Kill 500 enemy Demomen

Frags of our Fathers
Gib 1000 people.

Backdraft Dodger
Kill a Pyro who has airblasted one of your rockets in the last 10 seconds.

Ain't Got Time to Bleed
Kill 3 players with the Equalizer in a single life without being healed.

Near Death Experience
Kill 20 enemies with your Equalizer while you have less than 25 health.

S*M*A*S*H
Assist a Medic in exploding 5 enemies with a single ÜberCharge.

Death From Below
Kill 10 opponents who are airborne with the Direct Hit.

Worth a Thousand Words
Provide the enemy with a freezecam of your 21 gun salute.

Brothers in Harms
Kill 10 enemies while assisting or being assisted by another Soldier.

Medals of Honor
Finish a round as an MVP 10 times.

Ride of the Valkartie
Ride the cart for 30 seconds.

For Whom the Shell Trolls
Bounce an opponent into the air with a rocket and then kill them with the shotgun before they land.

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LINKS:

CRAFTING SYSTEM:http://www.teamfortress.com/crafting/

DEMOMAN WEAPON HUB:http://www.teamfortress.com/demomanupdate/index.htm#item_1

SOLDIER WEAPON HUB:http://www.teamfortress.com/soldierupdate/index.htm#item_1

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Victory on the Internet Day has been declared! The war is over! Who won? We don't know! Yet!

Luckily, I, Robin Walker, was up all night building a kill-calculating machine for just such an eventuality. We turned it on, the building filled with smoke, and right now a fireman is yelling at me to leave the building with everyone else. I'll leave when they pry this tiny netbook out of my cold dead hands. Or when an angry fireman fireman-carries me out of the office, which is what is happening right now. Anyway, once all the firemen calm down, we'll announce the War results with today's huge update. To pass the time, go get yourself a fresh mouse and start reloading this page as fast as you possibly can.

Please note: Beginning now, we're going to start transitioning the new inventory system into the game. Until the update goes live later today, you will not have access to your inventory.

WINNER: SOLDIER

FINAL TALLY:

DEMOMAN:6,372,979

SOLDIER:6,406,065

SECRET FOURTH WEAPON:

THE GUNBOATS:

The 18th century was a time of rapid innovation; in the space of a single year, the two-storey building, the stage play, America, and the rocket launcher were all invented by the same man: Shakespearicles, the strongest writer who ever lived. Despite his powerful grasp of language and the ability to bench press 700 British pounds, several inventions eluded his iron grip—most tragically among them, stairs. For the next three hundred years, people who needed to get to the second floor used the only method available to them: shooting a rocket launcher at their feet. Yes, it was ridiculous, crippling, and awful, but what are you going to do? Not go to the second floor? That’s where your bed is.

Luckily, in 1857, a young bearded inventor named President Abraham Lincoln stumbled upon the answer: stairs. Unluckily, he never grasped the full import of his own invention, and died attempting to rocket jump up the world’s first staircase in his laboratory at Ford’s Theater. Horrified by this tragedy, mankind agreed never to invent anything again, turning its many scientists and scholars to that most noble endeavor, astrology.

It would not be until 1921 when hotheaded Pisces Franklin D Roosevelt, languishing in a hospital after losing both of his legs in a rocket-jumping accident, stumbled upon Lincoln’s notes and perfected the modern staircase, freeing people from the tyranny of the second floor as Lincoln intended.

No advancement has been made in the escalation sciences since… until now. Introducing the Gunboats, secondary-slot boots that reduce rocket jump damage by a huge amount, rendering stairs forever useless. What is the science behind these miracles of technology? Magic, probably.

In conclusion, why are you still reading this? These things are live, in the game, right now. Go go go!

UPDATE RELEASED, COVERAGE OVER. Tongue